Matt's Rant about Synagogues


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   Okay, let me start by saying that I'm a 32 year old guy. I think I'm reasonably good looking, intelligent, and I have a nice job. I have to admit that I am probably a bit shy, I'm not a real starter in social situations.
  And what do I want? I want a nice little synagogue where I can pray. I am somewhat religious, although I am not a scholar. I typically go to Reform synagogues, although I feel comfortable in Conservative and Reconstructionist synagogues. For me, Orthodox services have too much Hebrew, which I don't really speak. Although, I did go to the services of a Modern Orthodox rabbi whom I really liked. Also, going to synagogue has an important social component. Otherwise, we could watch it on TV, right? So, I would like some nice Jews that I will enjoy talking to. They don't have to be my age, my socio-economic level. That's all I want. It's a small thing, no?
  I also have a Jewish girlfriend, who is basically a secular Jew. She dislikes going to synagogue, so I often go alone. It's a point of contention between us, actually. I would prefer that she accompany me.
  That sets the scene. I will now begin my rant.
  Over the past six months, I can report that I have attended synagogues in Los Angeles, North Carolina, and Chicago. For the most part, I found that the synagogues were not welcoming at all.
  In North Carolina, I attended a small, Reform, liberal synagogue. As usual, I was the only person in my age group. Most people were older (50s and 60s). There was also a large segment of the congregation that was married, with younger children. The services were nice enough, often including Bar Mitzvahs. But, when it came to the Oneg Shabbat, everyone totally ignored me. The families tend to talk with the other families. Of course, all the kids are running around. Who wants to talk to the single bozo in the corner? No one.
  The rabbi did give me a passing hello once. I think he figured out that I was unlikely to pay dues to his congregation, though, and gave up on me. I went to that congregation six times. Once a 60 year old woman talked to me. Once a 35 year woman talked to me. She was thinking of converting to Judaism. That's a little ironic, isn't it?
  I attended a synagogue in a wealthy Los Angeles suburb, where my experience was quite similar. They quickly marked me as not a member, and unlikely to pay dues. Also I did not have a family. Therefore, I was not worthy of their consideration.
  Chicago proved no different. First I tried a synagogue in the ritzy part of the North Suburbs. When all the women walked in, they all hugged each other. "Oh, Barb, you look marvelous! What a smashing outfit!" Yes, I knew I was in the wrong place when the Men's Club was having a social event at the Executive Suits company. I guess my economic level won't support that.
  At another Chicago synagogue, the people seemed quite nice. But at the Oneg, everyone just wants to talk with the families about soccer, etc. My clue that no one would have anything to do with me here came when an older lady sidled up to me and gave me directions to a "young people's synagogue". "They have more single people," she advised. I am sure she meant well. But do I have to travel downtown so that I can join the mass of people in my socioeconomic class?
  By the way, my fear isn't that I am fated to remain an outsider, and that I will never get to try on the Executive Suits with the Men's Club. My fear is more that I will join the "in" club, and become someone that ignores the people in the "out" club. Fortunately, I appear to be in little danger of that happening. I must add a caveat to this point. Every day, I walk down the street and see all of the homeless people. To them, I am in the "in" club, and they are in the "out" club. Certainly, that's a terrible situation, but it's a subject for another day. Let's just limit the present discussion to the case of a card-carrying Jew entering a synagogue.
  One exception was when I went to a special service at a Los Angeles synagogue for young people. Here, the congregation had decided to attract young people by converting their service into a singing rock concert. Hey, I appreciate the effort. But, to be honest, I don't need a rock concert. I'm pretty content with the normal service. I'm not a whacked out Gen-Xer.
  I also enjoy going to Hillel. But Hillel is really geared towards college students. So I'm a little old for that.
  Oddly enough, I often hear Jews bemoan the lack of young people in the synagogues today. "What do we have to do to get young people involved," they wonder. I'll give you a tip. Maybe you could start by saying "hello" once in a while.
  In general, Jews tend to be really into their cliques, and they don't welcome outsiders. And this generally runs the spectrum from Reform to Orthodox. Of course, Orthodox Jews really turn up their noses if you don't know all of the proper prayers. If you don't belong to their little club, they want nothing to do with you. You would think Reform Jews would be somewhat better- but I can't say that they are. They just discriminate based on different criteria.
  Doesn't the Bible mention welcoming the outsider somewhere? I'm sure a lot of people will read this and say, "That doesn't describe our temple. We have a very warm and friendly community." Well, the answer is, you do have a very warm and very friendly community. Yes, you are very warm and friendly to people who look and act and behave exactly like you do. But how about to those who are different?
  As I mentioned, I am no scholar. But I think that this attitude is rooted well within the core of Judaism. Jews do not seek to convert those of other religions. To convert, one must go through a rigorous course of study. Now, I do prefer this to other religions that send out missionaries to convert people. On the other hand, religions such as Mormonism celebrate diversity. Another example is that Jews are encouraged to marry Jews. Of course, this causes us to prefer people with the right look. Even within the Jewish community, we tend to splinter into subgroups. For example, if you are not a Persian Jew, try dating a Persian Jew. You won't get very far.
  So, in my opinion, diversity is not a Jewish value. Perhaps this insular attitude has allowed the Jewish people to survive. But perhaps we lose something by this attitude, as well. As Americans, we are constantly told to strike down racism, and that one of America's strengths is that we have so many different cultures and viewpoints. Defintely, Jews have always been on the forefront of these social movements in America. But I think that within our synagogues, we have quite a different attitude. So I ask: if we fight for diversity and equal rights in America, why do Jews seek conformity within the synagogue?
  I might mention that a few years ago, I happened to go to a Baptist social event. I did find out that Baptism was not for me. But I was struck by the fact that their meeting included blacks, whites, Chinese, and Hispanics. That's something you'll never see in a Jewish synagogue. By the end of two hours, I had met everyone in the group, over fifty people. I must admit that my point here is quite limited, because I did not return to the Baptist group. Maybe after a couple of weeks, I would find out the flaws in their social structure, as well.
  Okay, I could rant on for a while, but it's time to wrap this up. Let me review how synagogues filter out guys like me:
  There are some exceptions. Hillel is great, although not my age group. Chabad is always very welcoming, but they don't fall at the same place that I do on the religous spectrum. And of course, there are synagogues tailored specifically for young people. They have to be tailored for young people, because we are the MTV generation, with a short attention span. Thus, we need an electric guitar and drum set in our services.
  Maybe I should stop berating my girlfriend for not attending services. Obviously, even with my reasonable level of Jewish background, I feel like an outsider in the synagogue. My girlfriend has no knowledge of Hebrew, or religion. So imagine how she must feel.