The Pardon: Bush pardons Thanksgiving Turkey

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  Today, on November 25 2001, President Bush pardoned the Thanksgiving turkey.
The move came as something as a surprise to political observers and human rights organizations. Mr. Bush is well known for his harsh record on executions. As President, he has already executed Timothy McVeigh, although it seemed like there was still important evidence to be heard. As governor of Texas, he executed over 10 people, including a woman who had converted to Christianity, and a man who was quite clearly innocent.
In a public statement, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld explained the military operation. "This turkey was found in Afghanistan, three weeks ago, by U.S. Special Forces. The turkey was being guarded by tens of thousands of Taliban forces. Our men risked their lives to sneak into Jalalabad, and seize the turkey. Under heavy security, the turkey was then flown to Fort Blair in Colorado, for a military trial."
According to the turkey's attorney, there was no evidence that linked the turkey to the Taliban or Al Queda. "What we have here," explained Attorney John Cochran, "is a case of rotten meat. There is no evidence linking this turkey to any terrorist activity. In fact, if this is not the right giblet, you must acquit."
Attorney General John Ashcroft conceded Cochran's point. "We have done hundreds of interviews on this turkey case. We have interviewed the turkey's relatives, as well as the farmer on the farm from which the turkey came. We have listened to all this turkey's cellphone conversations. There is no compelling evidence that this is a terrorist turkey."
President Bush then discussed the matter. "I stayed up all night, thinking about this turkey. On one hand, the DNA evidence was inconclusive. On the other hand, there is no doubt in my mind that we have the right turkey. For all we know, this could be Osama's main turkey. However..." President Bush wiped away a tear. "I thought about this turkey's family, his dreams and aspirations. And I concluded that we could not broil this turkey. And so, fly and be free! But know that we may have FBI agents tailing you around the clock."