The SUV War

click here to return to my main page.

  The other day, I was driving around town in my little car, the DaiWatu MunchkinMobile, when a woman in a large SUV sped towards me, nearly crushing me like a little bug. Looking up, I saw that her face was drawn and determined. I happened to notice that her SUV had an American flag on it.
  Then, I started noticing that my town, the suburb of Beaverton, Oregon, had hundreds, if not thousands, of determined women driving SUVs with American flags on them. Now, as anyone who has been into suburbia knows, these SUVs are formidable vehicles. They are often patterned on military vehicles. They are huge, with off-road capacity, and tinted windows.
  So I was thinking, what if we took all the women with their SUVs, and shipped them over to Afghanistan for a week or two. From what I've seen of the Afghan military, this fleet of SUVs would completely dominate them. The SUVs would be ideal for the sandy, offroad of Kabul. Also, they come with American flags.
  There are many important missions that must be carried out. Some of the women could be assigned to run down the Taliban leaders, as well as run over their trucks. Humanitarian missions are also a key component of this war. Our SUV warriors could deliver little box lunches to the villagers. Also, it occurs to me that the Afghan children probably need to be dropped off and picked up from soccer practice.
  Psychologically, our SUV women warriors will strike a devastating blow. It is well known that the Taliban have a great fear of women, requiring them to cover themselves from head to toe, and not venture outside the house. The idea of women driving around in their SUVs, decimating their military, will completely shock the Taliban. They will pull out their machine guns, only to find that SUV windows are bulletproof.
  If this is the war of the 21st century, then we must fight with all the resources of the 21st century. So I would ask that all American suburban women immediately drive their SUV to the nearest military recruitment station. I estimate that this war will last at most a week. It will vastly improve Afghanistan, perhaps creating a new market for SUVs. And, perhaps for a week, I will be a little more comfortable in my MunchkinMobile.